Saturday, July 15, 2017

Who should be Harvard's next President? The Spy knows!

Editors' Note:  Our hearts sank when we got the email from the Harvard Presidential Search Committee, which informed Ma Harvard's extended family thusly: “As those of us on the presidential search committee pursue that consequential effort, we would be pleased to hear from you.”

Our first thought was: sure they would. Our second was: didn't we just do this bit? [Actually, it was 11 years ago – Louise Mensch, Intern]. Nonetheless, The College needs our help again and we have no choice but to oblige. We propose the following outstanding nominees. The extremely careful reader may notice a common thread connecting these fine individuals from which said reader may infer our categorical preference for the next President.

Barack or Michelle Obama

  • It's Barack/Michelle Obama!
  • Each has a Harvard degree, and at least plausible Ivy League B.A.'s.
  • Brilliant, devoted to education and inclusiveness
  • It's Barack/Michelle Obama!
  • With Michelle in charge of Harvard Dining Services, undergrads likely to starve
  • Probably not going to be putty in the hands of the Faculty and the Corporation
  • Would need to commute until Sasha graduates
  • Malia can probably kiss that fireplace single in Adams House good-bye

David Ortiz  

  • Proven record of success in turning around underperforming Boston-area institutions
  • Inspiring
  • Team player
  • No one is going to f*** with his University
  • No Harvard degree
  • Probably not going to have much luck raising big bucks in Area Code 212.  Or 718.
  • May not be happy to learn that at Harvard, President bats eighth.
  • Harvard will eventually have to rename a dorm “Big Papi House” [Why isn't this a pro? – Ed.]

Dr. Ben Carson 

  • Old joke from 1971: We don't want to stick Harvard with this guy but imagine how much better off the nation would be.
  • Has advanced degrees from fancy institutions
  • Likes rich people
  • Not likely to interrupt faculty meetings, or as he calls them, nap time

  • Running a great university ain't brain surgery, which means this guy will f*** it up
  • If I were a Harvard dean, I'd wear a big belt buckle.
  • Don't think Harvard will cotton to idea that lack of money is a state of mind.
  • Even fewer social skills than Derek Bok

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