Gleanings from The Book of Moron - The New Testament

Today's passage is taken from Republicans 53:


And so it came to pass that whilst the Prophet Wilfred lived in exile in the land of Zion that in the capital of the land there arose a fearsome orange-faced beast.

And the beast belched smoke and fire from the 10,000 Big Macs within him and the beast despoiled and rampaged throughout the land.

And the beast consorted with whores and paid them much gold to keep their traps shut, but they defied the beast.

And the beast lined his pockets with gold and silver and favorable leases and other emoluments and consorted with the evil Czar of the Russias who also had a bunch of whores who urinated for the pleasure of the beast.

And so the Prophet Wilfred surveyed the damage that the beast had done to the land, and also saw that the wizened Prophet Orrin was ready for the charnel house and said to the people of Zion:"Send me to the capital and I will support the great orange-faced beast when I agree with him but not if he goes too far."

And the people of Zion heard the words of the Prophet Wilfred and they hearkened unto him and they said: "Go forth to the Capitol and tell the orange-faced beast that he can keep his whores and his gold as long as he continues to afflict the afflicted and comfort the comfortable."

And the Prophet Wilfred did as the people commanded and it was good, at least for Wilfred.

And so the Prophet Wilfred came to the great marble Capitol of the land, two hundred cubits long and one hundred cubits high, and heard the orange-faced beast say "Let me place not just a stumbling block before the widow and the orphan but also a mighty wall so that the widow and the orphan may perish in the wilderness and not afflict the very fine white people of the land."

And the Prophet Wilfred heard the words of the orange-faced beast said and declared they were good, at least for Wilfred.

Then it came to pass that the people rose up against the orange-faced beast and would not set a wall to afflict the widow and the orphan.

And the orange-faced beast flew into a mighty rage.  He retreated into his white castle and belched more smoke and fire into his phone. He said to his people: "Until I get my wall, let no servant of the land eat or drink or receive wages for the work they do because I am mightily displeased that they would not give me my wall."

And the people cried and said: "How can I afford to live if you do not give me my wages?"  They wailed and gnashed their teeth but the orange-faced beast only laughed and said "Let them eat cold, soggy Whoppers."

And the Prophet Wilfred heard all that the orange-faced beast said and saw that the people were mightily vexed and beset and plagued.

And the Prophet Wilfred said in his great voice: "I will do nothing to help the people."

And the people said:  "So you will not save us from the orange-faced beast and you will not give us our wages?"

And the Prophet Wilfred said: "Both sides must compromise."

And the people said:  "We expected this from the beast but not from our Prophet."

And the Prophet Wilfred said: "Hard cheese."

And the people said:  "We looked upon you as a Prophet but now there is no doubt that you are the biggest asshole in all the land."

And the Prophet Wilfred decided it was a good time for a ski trip.  And it was good, at least for Wilfred.