Sunday, July 21, 2019

Only in the Spy: Questions (and Answers!) from the Bigot-in-Chief's New Citizenship Test

Editors' Note:  Many media outlets have reported that President U Bum's henchmen have decided to frustrate even lawful immigration by rewriting the citizenship test administered to Legal Permanent Residents seeking naturalization.  But only the Spy has obtained advanced copies of the new test so that you the reader can judge for yourself how fair it really is!



1.  Which of the following are not part of the President's powers under Article II of the Constitution?

a.  pardoning political allies
b.  ordering a beautiful military parade whenever you want
c.  charging your Secret Service detail for golf cart rentals at your resorts
d.  appointing your relatives to all key policy-making positions

ANSWER: They are all part of the President's Article II powers

2.  Match the great President with the quote

a.  President Joe Washington
b.  President A. Lincoln
c.  President Phil Roosevelt
d.  President Donald J. Trump

i.   "I should have named my house after me.  Then maybe someone would have remembered me."
ii.   "With malice toward all, with charity toward none."
iii.   "The only thing we have to fear is haters and losers."
iv.   "When you're famous, you can grab women by the pussy."

ANSWERS: a - iv; b - i; c - ii; d - iii  [Is this right - USCIS?]

EXTRA CREDIT: What forgotten President lived in this dump
with no a/c, pool, or marble floors?

3.  Which of the following is not a requirement for serving as a Supreme Court justice?

a.  white male
b.  sex offender
c.  believer in unlimited Presidential power
d.  commitment to justice.


4.  When did America stop being great and why?

a.  1865 - freeing of all slaves
b.  1920 - women get the vote, even when they have blood coming out of their whatever
c.  1965  - revised immigration law allows persons from shithole countries to enter
d.  2009 - Kenyan President inaugurated 

ANSWER: All of the above

5.  Which of the following is not a First Amendment right?

a.  right of a pharmacist to refuse to fill a valid prescription
b.  right of a baker not to bake a cake
c.  right of candidate to urge his opponent to be locked up
d.  right to say nasty things about great President


6.  When is a golfer allowed to kick his ball out of the rough and onto the fairway?

a.  when he owns the course
b.  when the golfer is a rich white man
c.  when no one is looking
d.  when he is the club champion 43 years running

ANSWER: All of the above



T borrows $1,000,000,000 at 14%.  T trousers $100,000,000 and squanders the remainder in busto casinos.  How much must T pay back?

a.  nada
b.  what do you mean pay back?
c.  whatever the bankruptcy court says
d.  all if it if the same bank lends it to him again



 Solve.  Show your work (30 sec.)

8.  Match the office with its responsibilities

a.  National Security Adviser
b.  Vice President
c.  Secretary of the Interior
d.  Attorney General

i.   execute cover up of obstruction of justice
ii.  drill for oil in Grand Canyon
iii.  negotiate in Mongolia while President meets with Korean dictator
iv.  shameless bootlicking

Answer:  a - iv; b - iv; c - iv; d - iv 

9.  Who was Fred Douglass?

a.  Someone a lot of people are saying good things about
b.  Former slave who fought tirelessly to liberate slaves and thereafter for the rights of Americans of color in 19th Century America
c.  Guy who runs the caddyshack at Trump National Golf Resort Washington (formerly Fort Myer)
d.  Loser who paid Fred Trump $10,000 key money to keep dry cleaners at Trump Towers Forest Hills Adjacent

Answer: a.

10  SCIENCE.  Which of the following is the strongest evidence that global warming is a fake news Chinese hoax? 

a.  Snow in winter
b.  Ice floats in water
c.  Coal is beautiful when washed
d.  President says so and he is an extremely stable genius with good genes

Answer:  d.

11.  What is the Electoral College?

a.  the method by which the President chosen based on the winner in the several states and District of Columbia
b.  another way the Framers decided to reward the slave states by allowing them to count 3/5 of each slave in its population
c.  an obviously undemocratic nightmare that given citizens of Wyoming 20x more weight in Presidential elections than citizens of California.
d.  the last defense against Socialism

Answer: d.

12.  Which of the following is a crime?

a.  Ordering an underling to fire a prosecutor investigating you for wrongdoing
b.  Making undisclosed campaign contributions to pay hush money to a porn star whom the candidate banged for 2 minutes
c.  Attempted rape of an underaged girl
d.  Running against the President

Answer:  d.

13.  What is the remedy provided by the American system of government if you disagree with a decision of your favorite President?

a.  Petition peacefully for redress of grievances
b.  Write your Representatives
c.  Vote for candidates who share your views
d.  Get the fuck out of this country

Answer: d.

[That's enough citizenship questions – Ed.]

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