The Massachusetts Spy

Editors' Note: The midterm elections are only six weeks away and it's harder than ever to know what to think about them.  To help you, the untutored ignorant reader who may believe in their naiveté the issues this fall include the future of democracy and the right of a woman to control her own body, the Spy's master political prognosticator, David Bloviator, has graciously agreed to spell out the conventional wisdom in words even you can understand from his vantage point at the center of all political intelligence, the National Press Club bar.

TMS:    Good evening, Mr. Bloviator.  It's such a pleasure to be able to meet with you in person at your favorite haunt.

DB: Yes, isn't it.  By the way, there seems to be a problem with my tab.  You'll have to pick up the next four rounds, you young cur.

TMS: Gladly.  Double Chivas-rocks for Mr. Bloviator.

The great man, now back at his post.

DB: [inhales his drink].  Ah, now we can get down to the hard work of assessing the midterm election picture.

TMS: And what is it?

DB:  Cloudy.  Although there are ominous signs for the Democrats.  After all, the party in power normally loses seats in the midterms.  And Biden is massively unpopular.

TMS: Why do you think that is?

DB:  Because of the economy, stupid.  It's in a shambles.

TMS: Really?  Hasn't Biden seen the best economic growth of any US President since Clinton? Hasn't the economy added 10,000,000 jobs since he took office? Isn't unemployment near its record lows?

DB:  But inflation is killing the average American family.  Do you know how much a bottle of Old Capitol Hill Scotch costs in Washington?  

TMS: How much?

DB: How should I know?  I can drink for free here.

TMS: What about Biden himself?  Is he an asset or liability to the Democrats? 

DB:  He is clearly a liability.

TMS: Why?

DB: He is so divisive.  Did you hear him calling his fellow Americans “semi-Fascist?”

TMS: Isn't it true?

DB: The truth is besides the point.  The point is Republicans will point out he is dividing and not uniting us.

TMS: How about Republicans who lie about the 2020 election and claim that Biden isn't really President?

DB: That's just Republicans playing to their base.

TMS: Right.  By being divisive.

DB: You're missing the point.  Democrats need to unite the country.

TMS: But Republicans get to accuse Democrats of supporting baby murder and that's OK?

DB: It's brilliant political messaging.  Midterms are all about exciting your base.

TMS: Speaking of which, hasn't the Supreme Court overruling of Roe excited the Democratic base?

DB: It's possible a few ladies will get their panties in a twist, but polling shows it's not a top issue for most voters.  People care about kitchen-table issues.

TMS: The polls I've seen rank it at #2, right behind protecting democracy.

DB: Don't worry, they'll get over it.  Speaking of which, my glass is empty. Another double Chivas-rocks if you please.

TMS: Let's talk about some of the other issues.  Republicans are attacking Democrats for being weak on crime.

DB: Crime is soaring.  Many voters are concerned.

TMS:  Actually, it isn't:

DB: But voters perceive crime as disrupting their lives, and that's a problem for Democrats.

TMS: If crime isn't soaring and Republicans are lying about it, isn't that a problem for the press?

DB: God, man, give it a rest.  Our job is to take the pulse of the body politic and not chase down everything someone says.  What could be more tedious?

TMS: If Republicans can't make an issue out of flat or falling crime rates, how about immigration?

DB: Immigration is the Democrats' Achilles Heel.  The border is in crisis.

TMS: What exactly is the crisis?

DB: My God you twit, the Board Patrol apprehended 2 million border crossers!  Doesn't that sound like an open border to you?

TMS: It doesn't sound like an open border to anyone if the border guards have stopped 2 million people in their tracks.

DB: But it's the perception of a crisis that counts.

TMS: Did you ever stop to think that the media is working with Republican anti-immigrant bigots to create the impression of a border crisis, when in fact the country is in desperate need of young immigrant families?

Republicans hope to cash in on fear of immigrants

DB: Politics is all about perception, you young whippersnapper.

TMS: What's your impression of Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis?

DB: A rising star. A bright light.  The future of the Republican Party?

TMS: Even though his anti-science policies killed thousands of Floridians who didn't have to die.

DB: But he stood up for freedom.

TMS: What freedom?  Freedom to die?

DB: The freedom not to be forced to wear those horrible masks in public.

TMS: What about his program of defrauding migrants in Texas and flying them to places DeSantis hopes won't be prepared to receive them?

DB: As my distinguished colleague Blake Hounshell put it in The New York Times, the migrant flights were “the cherry on top of a months-long campaign to essentially troll liberal cities and states.”

TMS: I can't take this any longer.  HOW CAN YOU OR ANY JOURNALIST COMPARE THE UNSPEAKABLY CRUEL AND TRANSPARENTLY FRAUDULENT KIDNAPPING OF REFUGEES TO SMALL TOWNS LACKING IN RESOURCES TO A SUNDAE TOPPING?  DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INCREDIBLY CRUEL AND CYNICAL IT IS TO TREAT ANY HUMAN BEING LIKE THIS?  IS IT ALL JUST A GAME TO YOU?  DO YOU EVER CONSIDER THE REAL WORLD CONSEQUENCES OF PRETENDING THAT A WHITE EXTREMIST ELECTION-DENYING REPUBLICAN PARTY IS JUST ANOTHER POLITICAL ACTOR?  DO YOU REALLY NOT SEE THE THREAT TO THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY ITSELF, NOT TO MENTION THE BLATANT BIGOTRY AND HATRED THAT ANIMATES REPUBLICANS?

DB: [slumps down on bar].  Harraumph!

TMS: [shakes DB's unresponsive form; gets no response].  Thank you, Mr. Bloviator!