What Mortal Could Be the New Speaker? The Spy's Nominees:

By Isidor Feinstein and Nellie Bly
Spy Washington Bureau

With the news from the Middle East becoming more dire with each edition, with war and conflict threatening to rage out of control, and millions of civilians in harm's way, the world turns its eyes to its last best strongest hope: the United States.  From the White House, the Biden Administration is working hard to get its arms around the manifold urgent overlapping life-and-death crises.  

Matt Gaetz couldn't resist the call of his base

At the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue, the House of Representatives stands paralyzed by the inability of House Republicans to find someone, anyone to serve as Speaker.  Apparently moderate consensus-building insurrectionists are not easy to find.

Exhausted by their lack of effort, House Republicans have decided to take a long weekend off in this time of international calamity.  According to DC pundits, they are no closer to elected someone than they were a week ago, and they still refuse to reach out to House Democrats to see if the Democrats will help them in exchange for an end to the insanity.  But insanity is the Republican brand.

This motley crew of criminals, pervs, racists, and Brazilian transvestites is out of ideas.

The Spy, as usual, rides to the rescue.  We have been informed that the Speaker of the House does not in fact have to be a sitting House member.  This opens up the job to a wide variety of highly-qualified individuals sure to appeal to House Republicans. Some have speculated that the Tangerine-Faced Defendant, who in fact runs the House Republican caucus, should take the job, but that seems too much like work to appeal to the drug-addled grifter.

Fortunately, there are many plausible alternatives who would be perfect for the job.  Under the leadership of one of these worthies, the House can get back to work on vital national issues like banning books, publishing pictures of Hunter Biden's shvantz and cutting food assistance so more children can go hungry.

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Sarah Palin

She's tanned, rested, and ready, and she could really use the job, or indeed any job.  

Why this authentic down-home crackpot and hatemonger disappeared from the Republican roster remains a mystery.  She's got it all: 

• she'll say anything, no matter how stupid, to get cable TV coverage, 


• she knows nothing about any pressing issue, foreign or domestic, 


• she's greedy and corrupt, and 


• she's free from any hint of competence, intelligence, compassion, or integrity.  

That's why they call her “Ms. Republican!”

But she's not without her downsides:

• She's 30 years too old for Matt Gaetz


• The lumpier (but blonder) Marjorie Taylor Greene might not appreciate the competition


• She's incredibly lazy and likely to walk away from the job on a whim; and
  


• She'd need a $250,000 clothing allowance.

But if House Republicans need someone who can bring together every single idiot white supremacist reactionary and insurrectionist, it's hard to think of a better candidate.

And if she brings her daughters with her, Lauren Boebert can teach them how to make a boy happy without getting preggers.

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Tucker Carlson

Whatever happened to ol' Tuck?  Just a few months ago he was riding high  He had a nightly audience of millions of white bigots ready to follow him into the fiery lava fields of white supremacy and anti-Semitism.  Then he cost his boss and patron Rupert Murdoch a quick $767 million, and, worse yet, was found to have slagged off the old tosser and his mouth-breathing son in what he thought were confidential text messages.

Yeah, Tucker was so dumb he believed that there was such a thing as “confidential text messages.”

For these sins he was exiled to his palatial bunker in the deep woods of Maine, where he hasn't been heard from since, thanks to his ace media adviser Elno Musk. 

But he'd be perfect for House Republicans.  He knows how to use media to advance their agenda.  He shares their bats**t crazy ideas.  He's ready to march on the Reichstag [Surely, the Capitol? – Ed.]  Best of all, if you really want a crazed insurrectionist in a position of power, it's hard to see how you could do better.

The only downside that House Republicans might want to consider is that if Tucker gets the job, he's going to want a 1,000-year term.  And he's not known for taking nein for an answer.

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Aaron Rodgers

Rodgers explains zinc to a nurse

Here's another big name who desperately needs a new gig.  He lasted about four downs as the salvation of the New York Jets (we're going to have to hold off on our endless repository of Jets burns as long as the home town team up here is dredging new depths of suckdom), and gained some notoriety spouting anti-vaccine drivel sure to enamor him to the House Republican Caucus.

And given the obscene amount of money he's making for not doing anything, he's sure to support Republican efforts to cut taxes on the idle rich.

He's certainly less divisive and more telegenic than any House Republican, and he enjoys surprisingly favorable press attention considering how loathsome his views are.  And unlike any other Republican member of the House, he'd always be welcome at the White House for an afternoon of football on the big screen, hot wings, and brewskis.

We'd be inclined to note on the downside that he is known for speaking passionately and endlessly about stuff he knows nothing about, but to this Republican Party, that's a feature, not a bug.

 

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Keri Lake

Put the filter on

Keeping in mind that the Tangerine-Faced Defendant has a veto over who serves as Speaker of the House, here's a candidate that he'd be likely to back.

She covered herself in glory refusing to concede that she lost the Arizona Governor's race last year even after she lost every single worthless challenge she filed in court.  That kind of disregard for indisputable facts and contempt for democracy should endear her to every House Republican.

Now she's running for Senate from Arizona and seems doomed to lose.  Nominee Tiny Toadstool has already signaled that she's too annoying to be his VP nominee, so she needs something to keep her like a cinder in the public eye. 

She never met a camera she didn't like and as long it's slathered in Vaseline, the camera returns the favor.  And she's willing to lie on Fox “News,” or indeed to say or do anything  for a live shot, up to and including vacuuming the rugs in the studio and on the heads of their male talent.

If House Republicans want to cause chaos and paralyze the government, it's hard to imagine anyone better equipped to do so, with the possible exception of every sitting House Republican.  

 

 

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So that's our Slanderers' Row of Speaker candidates.  If you think it's light on political experience and judgment, in our defense, none of these four worthies either conspired to overthrow democratic government in the United States (although Tucker liked the idea) or covered up evidence of sex crimes committed against college athletes they were supposed to protect.

In both these respects, they are better candidates than the House Republicans' current nominee for the job.