Editors' Note: You can't open your newspaper (assuming you live somewhere that still has them) without running across the usual drivel about how the reason that white working class voters support the Tangerine-Faced Rapist is because those nasty mean coastal elites don't understand them, won't reach out to them, and are generally just so mean!
Interestingly, the Spy Deep Space Desk recently intercepted another transmission from the distant planet Zontar, which has just the opposite problem. Their complaint was incomprehensible to us but in the spirit of promoting galactic peace and harmony, we present it to you the reader so that – [They get the setup. Get on with it – Ed.]
By Z. Jean Carroll
Guest Writer
The New Zork Times
It's a commonplace to say that Zontarian politics are polarized. But what accounts for the wide gap between the two sides? We think it's because that orange working-class voters have a warped understanding of who the pink professional class are and what we stand for. They should try harder to reach out to us, with whom they have little contact and even less sympathy.
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| The highly educated elite brought you television! |
Our message to the orange working class is simple: You should get to know us. We are the people who cure your illnesses, teach your dumb as paint children, design your smartphones and 90-inch TV's you are glued to, even synthesize the fentanyl that you love so much. We have every skill the pickup-driving, drug-abusing, wife-beating, ignorant orange working classes lack. So why do you hold us in such scathing contempt?
Professional-class Zontarians often supported Republicanz until the party shifted its focus to orange supremacy and bigotry against those with different gender or other identities, thus abandoning the emphasis on diversity, equity, and inclusion that once marked the ZOP. Through this new and divisive bigoted approach, hard-right orange Republicanz not only ignored anyone who looked or sounded different from them, but also started to judge them as not real Zontarians and not worthy of the love and support of the orange working class voter.
Most of us care deeply about respecting the rights of anyone in the LGBTQ population and protecting the reproductive freedom of women. Why can't the orange working class understand our belief that women are entitled to control their own bodies regardless of what religious beliefs you hold? We also think that women have the right to go out in public or shop without being raped by rich, powerful men who then smear them when they appeal for justice.
And we can't understand why they describe such violent criminals as “authentic” and then when they lie about their depredations defend these fiends as “he is who he is.“ We're hurt when we hear orange-faced men and women say they like such behavior and invective. Do they actually approve of sexually abusing women, including underaged ones?
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| Well-educated liberals place great weight on family values! |
The orange working-class should also know that many of us are deeply religious. Our religions don't teach hate, intolerance, greed, and self-indulgence. Instead, they emphasize the dignity of all humanity, the important of good deeds, and the duty to help the poor. Why can't the orange working class accept our religion as genuine, too?
When the ZOVID epidemic struck, those of us in the healthcare professions bravely went to work to help victims of an unknown contagious disease that for all we knew might claim our own life. We feared that our children would grow up without parents or worse yet we would bring the virus home to our family. But we took care of everyone as best we could.
So you can imagine how disappointed we were when many orange working class voters rejected and mocked our science-based efforts, choosing instead to dose themselves with horse dewormers and bleach. Worse yet, those same orange working class persons refused to cooperate with simple public health measures like masking in close spaces. They even engaged in intimidation of and violence against those who sought to enforce masking rules. And it was all because their candidate didn't want to smear his greasy makeup by wearing a mask.
You should know that we, the highly educated, place a great weight on learning, scholarship, and free inquiry. That's why we react so badly when politicians supposedly representing the orange working class try so hard to cripple our public schools and threaten our teachers. Don't they realize that strong public schools are the only hope for the children of the orange working class?
Because we tolerate diversity and welcome inclusion, we also are firmly opposed to efforts to exclude and stigmatize students who, for example, have a different gender identity. When will orange working class voters learn that hatred and bigotry have no place in our public schools or indeed anywhere in public life?
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| Professionals like air traffic controllers keep us safe! |
We do understand the resentment of orange working class voters who have seen their standards of living decline after 50 years of largely Republicanz rule. What we don't understand is why the voters who have suffered so much from Republicanz policies that gave tax cuts for the rich and took away union protections from them consistently vote for the party that exacerbates their very real economic plight.
Many of us spent our entire lives working to improve the lot of the orange working class whether through guaranteed health care, aid to education, protecting public health, or building a planetary infrastructure that promotes economic growth. Yet in return all we get from the orange base is anger and paranoid conspiracy theories.
We beg the orange working class Republicanz to speak the language of the educated class again. Put value on the value we contribute to this country. We want to be valued, heard, and shown some respect.
If only the orange working class voter would reach out to us, they would see we are not their enemies.
They would see we are their friends. Their only friends.
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