Editors’ Note: We still remember all the galaxy brains who told us that Kamala Harris lost to a demented corrupt Russian-owned rapist because pretentious Democratic elites were out of touch with the hopes, dreams, and fears of average Americans. Apparently, those hacks don’t remember telling us this because now the likes of Norma Desmond (Kevin Dowd’s sister to you) and St. David Brooks are grinding out new columns in which they reveal that President Tiny Toadstool is, wait for it, bad.
That got us to thinking what it would look like if the current chaos and the Tangerine-Faced Fascist’s plunge in popularity was subjected to the same brilliant all-purpose punditry. It might read something like this:
By Spy Columnist Tess Harding
It should come as no surprise that President Trump’s popularity rating, like a Tesla, has plunged into a pond and sunk, trapping everyone inside.
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| Pretentious Republican elites at play |
Trump has surrounded himself, and in many cases, turned over the reins of the Presidency, to some of the richest and most out-of-touch plutocrats the world has ever known.
We’d submit that $400 billion of untaxed wealth qualifies its owner as elite by any measure. Elon Musk’s drug-fueled assault on large swaths of American government in defiance of volumes of Congressionally-passed legislation has proven to be massively unpopular, except among his fellow reactionary alien elitists like David Sacks and creepy Peter Thiel.
Did you ever hear an average American clamor for the destruction of veterans’ health care and other services? How about sabotaging the National Weather Service and the FAA’s critical air traffic control services? Or consumer protection?
While dismantling the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau remains popular among a narrow slice of reactionary plutocrats, including its acting general counsel Mark Paoletta, who has enjoyed sipping tea on Hitler’s china with fellow elitists like Harlan Crown and Clarence “Have a Coke and a Pube” Thomas, most average Americans, up to their double chins in usurious credit card debt, would like to know that someone is out there protecting them from giant banks and rapacious credit card companies.
The assault of these out-of touch elites has now reached the ramparts of the three bulwarks of well-being for average Americans: Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. Elitist Leon and his gang of incel douchebags have already ordered the closure of 47 Social Security offices, with senior officials warning that sabotaging the Social Security system will lead to its imminent collapse. Is this what average Americans are hoping for, or is it something imposed on them by billionaire Ayn Rand fanboys and Wall Street finaglers looking to privatize the system for their own gain?
Some out-of-touch Republican elitists are even threatening to cut Medicare and Medicaid, which provides vital health care benefits to a fifth of all Americans (that's about 70 million people who would rather not sicken and die). Leading the charge: Rick “I'll Take the Fifth” Scott, who made billions by, wait for it, scamming Medicare, and used his ill-gotten gains to buy himself a Senate seat in Florida. These elitists don't recognize that in deep red states, Medicaid covers much higher percentages of the population: West Virginia, 28%; Louisiana, 32%; and Arkansas, 28%.
These elite plans are shall we say not very popular with average hard-working diner-dining Americans:
Source: KFF
These pretentious Republican elites, including Harvard man Brainworm Bobby Kennedy, Jr., wealthy scion of American political royalty, are also working to undermine medical science and the health of the average non-crazy Americans, who would prefer not to die from preventable infectious disease. The doctors who actually know some medicine and treat patients are alarmed:
Source: NBC News
And the elitist assault on science and medical research threatens research on treatments for cancer and other potentially life-saving breakthroughs:
The proposed cuts to NIH research funding—which specifically target expenses known as "indirect costs"—directly and immediately put critical and ongoing research across the country in jeopardy, JHU President Ron Daniels and Hopkins Medicine CEO Theodore L. DeWeese wrote in a message to the Hopkins community on Monday night.
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| DHS Secretary Brainworm Bobby's power breakfast |
To illustrate this point, Daniels and DeWeese noted that among other ongoing research, NIH funding currently supports approximately 600 ongoing clinical trials at Johns Hopkins, including trials in cancer, pediatrics and children's health, heart and vascular studies, and the aging brain, among many others....
"The NIH funding cut endangers these trials and many more like them into the future," they wrote. "And these trial participants are our patients. The care, treatments, and medical breakthroughs provided to them and their families are not 'overhead'—they offer meaningful hope and scientific expertise, often when it's needed most. They are the lifeblood of the advanced care that draws patients from across the country and around the world to Johns Hopkins. Many of them come to us with life threatening conditions or diseases that have failed to respond to treatment elsewhere. They come to us because of our commitment to connecting our research with the very best clinical care.
Even on supposedly popular issues, like starting a growth-killing trade war, have you found anyone who wants to pay $10,000 more for a pickup truck, or another $1,000 on food? We haven't found too many average Joes happy about the carnage in their 401(k)s. Billionaires like Bessent can spin nonsense about tariffs and inflation but when prices go up due to import taxes, prices go up. That is inflation, at least in every Ohio diner we’ve ever visited. And every Ec. 10 section we attended.
By the way, tariffs not only increase inflation, they crush economic growth by reducing consumption. Someone tell Ezra Klein who the anti-growth party really is.
And the same out-of-touch Republican elites that are burning down American government at home are also imposing their bizarre views on U.S. foreign policy, contrary to the judgment of average Americans.
Those elites in their Palm Beach mansions are trying to foment simultaneous wars of aggression against Panama, Mexico, Canada, and Greenland. They'd fight the battles themselves but their bone spurs require daily rounds of golf.
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| Republican elites party at Mar-a-Lago as Ukraine bleeds |
Finally, these arrogant nattering nabobs of cowardly Communist containment are hell-bent on handing Russian war criminal Vladimir Putin a series of glittering prizes that he never thought were possible when he first installed video-recording equipment in the Moscow Ritz-Carlton and sent up three hookers from Omsk bearing buckets of fried chicken.
These pretentious elites and their wholly-owned Republican politicians intend to force Ukraine to surrender to Russia by cutting their supplies of U.S. weapons (thereby sacrificing the well paid U.S. jobs involved in their manufacture). Not content with their contemptible sell out of Ukraine and its toll of innocent Ukrainians, they have also decide to blow up NATO, which has kept peace and fostered prosperity and democracy in Europe.
The result is either a fatal weakening of our most vital alliances, leading to further wars of conquest as Putin seeks by force of arms to recreate the old Soviet Union by running over nations who won their independence three decades earlier. Or Europe could surprise these know-it-all Republican elites and form an independent effective defensive alliance (including Canada and possibly key East Asian allies) that would reduce the United States to lonely isolation, its military squandered in short-arm inspections of brave troops and impaling helpless refugees along the Rio Grande.
All of these elite objectives are massively unpopular with average three-egg-and-bacon-slam eating Americans. But those insufferable Republican elites are too busy flying Supreme Court Justices around on their private jets and draining billions out of the U.S. Treasury for their exploding rockets to notice.
It really makes you long for the days when the worst things that our elites did was let 16-year-old trans girls play field hockey.
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