330 Million in Path of Hurricane Coverage

By Al Freedman
TV/Video Editor

From the top to the bottom of the media guide, from Channel 1 (Public Access Old Sludgebury) to 9879 (TV Azerbaijani) [Louise or some other intern: Please check – Ed.], America stands squarely in the path of Hurricane Irma coverage, the most powerful hurricane coverage in history except for Harvey, last week.

No one can escape Hurricane Irma coverage . . .

“There is no doubt that 330,000,000 million Americans are squarely in the path of buff men and women standing on beaches telling you how bad it's going to get,” said Spy media quote machine and Yale University Prof. Shaw Vellingit.  “With no original programming other than  sports in the way, there are no obstacles to Hurricane Irma hurricane coverage obliterating everything in its path.”

Among the most serious hazards, experts warn, are live shots of unspeakable horrors, like Florida Governor Skeletor warning his citizens to run for their lives, without any explanation of when they can go home and what services his state is willing to provide them (except for health care for the uninsured, of which there is none).

Equally frightening is the expected surge of coverage of the Grifter-in-Chief, his comb-over squashed under a cheesy cap that he will sell you for $40, escorted by Miss Bratislava 1992.  “We expect to see more coverage of the President shoving empty containers into the front seats of trucks and boasting about how big his hurricane is,” Prof. Vellingit predicted.  “Some experts fear that he will even tell the victims of the hurricane how famous they are thanks to him,” he added.

Experts warn that different parts of the country may bear the brunt of nonstop category-five hurricane coverage.  “With the Patriots already having sh*t the bed, there is nothing preventing the networks from running hurricane radar under coverage of whatever crappy game they are pumping into New England,” said the eminent scholar, who is the head of the Lieberman Center for Hot Air Studies at New Haven's world-renowned Yale University.

. . . no one

Prof. Vellingit said there would be no respite anywhere in the channel guide:  “While the center of the coverage is expected to pass over The Weather Channel and CNN, its effects can be felt as far away as PBS coverage of debates among scientists or Travel Channel's coverage of Andrew Zimmern eating his way through the contents of refrigerators washed up by the storm.”

Hurricane coverage is expected to peak Monday but its aftereffects will linger for days as every local station in a top 100 market sends some 23-year-old bubblehead to wander around wrecked trailer parks interviewing the wretched survivors, he predicted.

In other news, the President of the United States is under investigation for multiple impeachable offenses while Korea slides towards war, but until the threat of hurricane coverage passes, there won't be film of those tidbits at 11.