Op-Ed from Zontar: Why won't working class voters try to understand us?

Editors' Note: You can't open your newspaper (assuming you live somewhere that still has them) without running across the usual drivel about how the reason that white working class voters support the Tangerine-Faced Rapist is because those nasty mean coastal elites don't understand them, won't reach out to them, and are generally just so mean! 

Interestingly, the Spy Deep Space Desk recently intercepted another transmission from the distant planet Zontar, which has just the opposite problem.  Their complaint was incomprehensible to us but in the spirit of promoting galactic peace and harmony, we present it to you the reader so that – [They get the setup. Get on with it – Ed.]

By Z. Jean Carroll
Guest Writer
The New Zork Times

It's a commonplace to say that Zontarian politics are polarized.  But what accounts for the wide gap between the two sides?  We think it's because that orange working-class voters have a warped understanding of who the pink professional class are and what we stand for.  They should try harder to reach out to us, with whom they have little contact and even less sympathy.

The highly educated elite brought you television!

Our message to the orange working class is simple: You should get to know us.  We are the people who cure your illnesses, teach your dumb as paint children, design your smartphones and 90-inch TV's you are glued to, even synthesize the fentanyl that you love so much.  We have every skill the pickup-driving, drug-abusing, wife-beating, ignorant orange working classes lack.  So why do you hold us in such scathing contempt?

Professional-class Zontarians often supported Republicanz  until the party shifted its focus to orange supremacy and bigotry against those with different gender or other identities, thus abandoning the emphasis on diversity, equity, and inclusion that once marked the ZOP. Through this new and divisive bigoted approach, hard-right orange Republicanz not only ignored anyone who looked or sounded different from them, but also started to judge them as not real Zontarians and not worthy of the love and support of the orange working class voter.

Most of us care deeply about respecting the rights of anyone in the LGBTQ population and protecting the reproductive freedom of women. Why can't the orange working class understand our belief that women are entitled to control their own bodies regardless of what religious beliefs you hold?  We also think that women have the right to go out in public or shop without being raped by rich, powerful men who then smear them when they appeal for justice. 

And we can't understand why they describe such violent criminals as “authentic” and then when they lie about their depredations defend these fiends as “he is who he is.“ We're hurt when we hear orange-faced men and women say they like such behavior and invective.  Do they actually approve of sexually abusing women, including underaged ones? 

Well-educated liberals place great weight on family values!

The orange working-class should also know that many of us are deeply religious.  Our religions don't teach hate, intolerance, greed, and self-indulgence.  Instead, they emphasize the dignity of all humanity, the important of good deeds, and the duty to help the poor.  Why can't the orange working class accept our religion as genuine, too?

When the ZOVID epidemic struck, those of us in the healthcare professions bravely went to work to help victims of an unknown contagious disease that for all we knew might claim our own life.  We feared that our children would grow up without parents or worse yet we would bring the virus home to our family.  But we took care of everyone as best we could.

So you can imagine how disappointed we were when many orange working class voters rejected and mocked our science-based efforts, choosing instead to dose themselves with horse dewormers and bleach.  Worse yet, those same orange working class persons refused to cooperate with simple public health measures like masking in close spaces.  They even engaged in intimidation of and violence against those who sought to enforce masking rules.  And it was all because their candidate didn't want to smear his greasy makeup by wearing a mask.

You should know that we, the highly educated, place a great weight on learning, scholarship, and free inquiry.  That's why we react so badly when politicians supposedly representing the orange working class try so hard to cripple our public schools and threaten our teachers. Don't they realize that strong public schools are the only hope for the children of the orange working class?

Because we tolerate diversity and welcome inclusion, we also are firmly opposed to efforts to exclude and stigmatize students who, for example, have a different gender identity.  When will orange working class voters learn that hatred and bigotry have no place in our public schools or indeed anywhere in public life?

Professionals like air traffic controllers keep us safe!

We do understand the resentment of orange working class voters who have seen their standards of living decline after 50 years of largely Republicanz rule.  What we don't understand is why the voters who have suffered so much from Republicanz policies that gave tax cuts for the rich and took away union protections from them consistently vote for the party that exacerbates their very real economic plight.

Many of us spent our entire lives working to improve the lot of the orange working class whether through guaranteed health care, aid to education, protecting public health, or building a planetary infrastructure that promotes economic growth.  Yet in return all we get from the orange base is anger and paranoid conspiracy theories. 

We beg the orange working class Republicanz to speak the language of the educated class again. Put value on the value we contribute to this country. We want to be valued, heard, and shown some respect. 

If only the orange working class voter would reach out to us, they would see we are not their enemies.

They would see we are their friends.  Their only friends.

Danger, danger! Our sensors have detected - DEI!

By Meta-Content Generator A.J. Liebling, Yard Editor Larry Lowell,
and Aviation Correspondent Douglas Corrigan

The recent defenestration of ex-Harvard President Claudine Gay and an Alaska Airlines Boeing 737 Max have a surprising link: both are connected to the inchoate evil that is DEI, which stands for Diversity, Equality, and Inclusion, unless you are part of the great right-wing grievance machine, where it stands for the triumph of evil coastal elites.

Don't believe me?  Just ask the most meritorious columnist in America, former National Review table-pounder David French, now peddling his wares in The New York Times:

Uh-oh. This sounds serious. And who better to remind us of the dangers of DEI than a former writer for a magazine that for decades opposed the Civil Rights Act and upheld white supremacy, including gems like this: 

“Why the South Must Prevail” is shocking to the 21st century reader. The piece put National Review on record in favor of both legal segregation where it existed (in accordance with the “states’ rights” principle) and the right of southern whites to discriminate against southern blacks, on the basis of their “Negro backwardness.” The editorial defended the right of whites to govern exclusively, even in jurisdictions where they did not constitute a majority of the population. 

In the same op-ed, Buckley concluded that as long as African Americans remained “backward” in education and in economic progress, Southern whites had a right to “impose superior mores for whatever period it takes to affect a genuine cultural equality between the races.” ...He offered no guidance as to how blacks might attain what he called “cultural equality,” save for by the sufferance of the white population. 

But don't worry: years later self-proclaimed intellectual William F. Buckley said he was sorry.  And since no lasting harm was done by 350 years of armed and entitled racist garbage like this, there's no reason to worry about it anymore.

According to French, that is. 

Before we get to French's half-assed effort to define DEI, let's see how it is used out in the real world. Here's an example of a hiring policy of a well-known law firm not known for hiring third-raters just to advance the woke agenda, to put it mildly:

Gee, if Cravath can commit to DEI without being compelled to hire idiots like Clarence Thomas, maybe DEI is not the clear and present danger that David French and his fellow apologists for white supremacy think it is.

Let David try to explain:

To put it simply, the problem with D.E.I. isn’t with diversity, equity, or inclusion — all vital values. The danger posed by D.E.I. resides primarily not in these virtuous ends, but in the unconstitutional means chosen to advance them.

That's certainly simple, although meaningless.

Although he won't come right out and say it, as a veteran right-wing litigator, he's trying to suggest (without having the intellectual courage to state plainly) that any effort to remedy the continuing effects of America's 425 year love affair with racism is unconstitutional because it would entail taking race into account in making various decisions, like who should be President of Harvard. While this is a popular theory among white reactionaries, it doesn't happen to be – true. As a very meritorious double-Harvard grad wrote last year:

This contention blinks both history and reality in ways too numerous to count. But the response is simple: Our country has never been colorblind. Given the lengthy history of state-sponsored race-based preferences in America, to say that anyone is now victimized if a college considers whether that legacy of discrimination has unequally advantaged its applicants fails to acknowledge the well-documented “inter- generational transmission of inequality” that still plagues our citizenry.

Remember when police were chosen on merit alone?

Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard, 600 U.S. ___ (2023)(Jackson, J. dissenting)

The two dissents dissect the ridiculous anti-text anti-original intent argument that the post-Civil War amendments mandated “color-blindness.”

Guess David isn't too interested in dissenting opinions.  Instead he harps, as did the right wing advocacy group that sued Harvard, on the supposed ill-treatment of Asian-American Harvard applicants:

it is difficult to ignore the overwhelming evidence that Harvard attempted to achieve greater diversity in part by systematically downranking Asian applicants on subjective grounds,  

The process was so devastating to Asian-American applicants that they constituted only 24% of the entering Harvard class at issue, although they represent a full 6% of U.S. population.

It's peculiar that white men seem very upset about this supposed injustice, while Asian students themselves do not.  In fact, major Asian-American student organizations at Harvard supported the University's position.

French goes on to cite vaguely university disciplinary processes that he claims fail to attain the Constitutional standard of due process, which is by definition not applicable to private colleges and universities.  Or, for that matter, to newspapers, who can s***can whichever columnist they want for any or no reason.  We think he must have learned this tidbit at Harvard Law School, but who knows?

What's really going on here, in addition to white supremacy, is white men's fears that they are losing their privilege, or what they like to call “merit.”

Remember when soldiers were chosen by merit alone?

Even French, to his credit, can't swallow the Sissy SpaceX white racist crap about how DEI supposedly led to the door of that Alaska Airlines 737 falling off (the entirely made up theory is that somehow unqualified hires were too stupid to attach the bolts). 

This has led to a spate of racist fairy tales about how DEI would lead to incompetent pilots, surgeons, and other worthies because white men would no longer be ushered to the top of the heap.  Even the less self-serving argument – that all these goodies should go to those with the best SAT scores and GPA's – disappears on a moment's introspection.

We know pilots and surgeons.  I want them to be good at what they do.  I also know that beyond some minimum, there's no correlation between test scores and competence at a job that requires diverse skills, like flying or surgery.

I know plenty of Harvard summas I wouldn't trust in the cockpit or with a blade in their hands.  A pilot needs to be calm, flexible, and patient and have the ability to multitask, scan, and stay cool in a crisis.  A surgeon needs good judgment and good fine motor skills.  I can think of plenty of people with good test scores who don't have the skills to slice a salami, much less an abdominal wall.

Aviation, before it was ruined by DEI wokeness

Further, research into the terrible health outcomes between Black and white Americans has told us that Black patients are more likely to trust and comply with the instructions of Black doctors.  So if the true measure of medicine is its ability to heal the sick and keep us healthy, then medicine needs plenty of Black doctors and other health professionals to serve the US patient population. 

Does anyone think that the rich powerful white billionaires have the best test scores and GPA's?  Have you ever talked to one?

On a related subject, if you think that Harvard must admit students only on the basis of the numbers, then you must think that The New York Times must have the same standards. Columns must be awarded only to those with the most glittering degrees from the finest schools.

What were David French's merits exactly?  He received his BA from Lipscomb University, widely regarded as the finest institution of higher education in Nashville, Tennessee [That would be Vanderbilt – Ed.].

Lips.  Comb.  University.  Is that the best undergraduate background the Times could have found for the demanding job of Op-Ed columnist?  It sounds more like the background of someone who screws bolts for Boeing.

So why was this mook hired?

Here's how Media Matters hailed his hiring:

the New York Times' announcement notably leaves out French’s history as an attorney for the Alliance Defending Freedom, an anti-LGBTQ legal organization designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Moreover, French has a history of expressing troubling sentiments about gay and trans people in conservative outlets ....“I don’t agree that trans men are ‘men’ or that trans women are ‘women,” French said....

Wowzeh.

We all know why French was hired: the Times wanted another literate right-winger they could take out in public.  They wanted a staff of editorial columnists who were diverse and inclusive.  As their boss and owner put it, even in Fox News's bent retelling:

The New York Times Company Chairman A.G. Sulzberger defended the newspaper saying it does a good job of representing a diverse set of views after being asked why the company's goals don't include the diversity of views.

That's what Harvard wanted in its entering class, too.  But what's OK when it benefits a reactionary white graduate of Lipsync University isn't OK when it benefits minority groups who have been systematically assaulted for four centuries.

If you have to ask why such disparate treatment is defensible, either ethically or intellectually, then you probably didn't graduate from Lippitydo University. 

And by the way, French, so worked up about the treatment of Asian-Americans in Harvard admissions, doesn't seem to be too upset about the number of Asian-American colleagues on the Times's editorial page.  That number is zero.  Maybe they're just not good with words?

Speaking of those doors flying off Boeing airplanes and how white racist plug-uglies are lying that it's due to DEI, the real reason that Boeing's planes are shiite is...wait for it...white men:

That [safety-first] ethos is hard to instill using only financial incentives or the threat of firing. What’s really needed is a culture of perfectionism—and that’s what Boeing seems to have lost over the past 20 or so years. To take only the most obvious example: The two fatal crashes of the 737 Max were the result of a new flight-control system that depended on data from a single sensor that had no backup....Designing a system that had a single point of failure violated the canon of aviation engineering, which has always emphasized the need for redundancy in cases where failure would have disastrous consequences. But in the new Boeing, people thought the risk was worth taking—or perhaps the new corporate culture they’d absorbed had simply stopped making them value what the engineers said.

Yes, the same rapacious white plutocrats funding attacks on educational institutions, using DEI as the battering ram to destroy academic freedom and intellectual integrity, were the ones whose greed, arrogance, and incompetence led to the deaths of hundreds and the ruination of a once-great company.

Why?  What's gone wrong with white men in this country?  Is it the breakdown of the white family?  The white penchant for drug and alcohol abuse?  The cultural backwardness of many whites, even the richest ones?  The white loss of respect for law and order?  

We don't know.  But unlike French's DEI bogeyman, the rule of rapacious white men is blowing the doors off of our country as we try to navigate through dangerous skies.

I can't wait to read all about it in the diverse opinion pages of The New York Times.

All quiet on the Rio Grande, except for the bodies

By Immigration Editor Emma Goldman
with Texas Correspondent Gus McRae in Eagle Pass

If she's back in the The Spy, you know it's time for the latest immigration outrages, likely featuring more dead refugees.  Sadly you are correct.

Welcome to Eagle Pass, a desolate kraal on the Rio Grande hundreds of miles from, well, anywhere.  It's one of the spots chosen by desperate refugees, having walked over a thousand miles, some of it through the most dangerous and forsaken places on earth, fleeing violence and oppression for a chance to mow Mitt Romney's lawn or slaughter cattle for Big Macs.

While the great and the good on Capitol Hill were chasing that ever-elusive immigration “compromise” (about which more later), down on the border Texas Gov. Greg “I am the law” Abbott was taking matters into his own hands.

Previously Greg had mobilized the Texas National Guard to usurp the federal role in policing the border.  They proceeded to rig barbed wire and razor sharp river buoys to entrap and drown migrants, to great approbation from Texans, Republicans, and the like.

Recently they took their rebellion to the next level, as The Washington Post reports:

The feds are the US Border Patrol, the federal agency charged with enforcing federal law at the border.  Under Article VI of the Constitution that Republicans supposedly venerate, federal law is supreme and states can't interfere with its operation.  

While this is evident from the plain text, the Supreme Court, in an opinion written by Republican Anthony Kennedy and joined by Republican John Roberts, said as much just 12 years ago:

The Government of the United States has broad, undoubted power over the subject of immigration and the status of aliens. ... This authority rests, in part, on the National Government’s constitutional power to “establish an uniform Rule of Naturalization,” U. S. Const., Art. I, §8, cl. 4, and its inherent power as sovereign to control and conduct relations with foreign nations....
 
It is fundamental that foreign countries concerned about the status, safety, and security of their nationals in the United States must be able to confer and communicate on this subject with one national sovereign, not the 50 separate States.

Arizona v. United States, 567 U.S. 387 (2012).

For these reasons, the President of the United States seeks the help of that same Court, now larded with three new Republican lunatics, to vindicate the right of federal officers to enforce federal law:

Under the Supremacy Clause, state law cannot be applied to restrain those federal agents from carrying out their federally authorized activities. That conclusion follows from centuries of this Court’s precedent: Maryland could not tax the Bank of the United States (McCulloch v. Maryland, 17 U.S. (4 Wheat.) 316 3 (1819)), or enforce its driver’s license laws against federal Post Office workers delivering mail ..; California could not bring criminal charges against a Deputy U.S. Marshal for his actions to protect a Supreme Court Justice..; and Arizona could not superimpose its own approval process on a congressionally authorized dam-construction project ... So too here: Texas cannot use state tort law to restrain federal Border Patrol agents carrying out their federal duties.

This weekend, the dispute was transformed from a thrilling constitutional law exam question into a matter of life and death, or, to put it more precisely, death:

According to NBC News, 

A woman and two children drowned in the Rio Grande on Friday night in Eagle Pass, Texas, after U.S. border agents were prevented from responding, federal officials said Saturday.

In a statement, a Department of Homeland Security spokesperson said U.S. Border Patrol agents were made aware of the migrants’ distress by the Mexican government but were unable to enter the area from the U.S. side after Texas National Guard troops, under the direction of Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, prevented them from doing so.

“In responding to a distress call from the Mexican government, Border Patrol agents were physically barred by Texas officials from entering the area,” the spokesperson said. 

Lying as usual, Abbott claimed that after blocking federal officials, his Texas goons looked out over the dark river, saw nothing, and went back to watching the football game. 

The obvious solution to this rebellion is to federalize the Texas National Guard so that it no longer is subject to the illegal and depraved whims of the Governor of Texas, as President Eisenhower did to protect school desegregation from obstruction by an earlier generation of smug white supremacist Southern Governors.

But Democrats have chosen a different course, which will not only fail to protect migrants, but will jeopardize Ukraine's valiant defense of freedom and democracy against Russian aggression.

How'd that happen?

Months ago, Biden decided to wrap aid to Ukraine and Israel with additional money for border personnel, asylum officers, and such.  It was a rationally-designed sweetener.  Therefore it was rejected out of hand by Republicans.

Instead the patriotic Republican supporters of insurrection and election denial proposed their own bill, which would repeal asylum and require the roundup and deportation of millions of noncitizens already in the US, many of whom have pending claims for relief.

As that goodly Man of God, Senator Wilfred M. Romney kindly explained:

"Dems want $106B [for Ukraine and Israel aid]—GOP wants a closed border. That’s the trade. But clueless Dems want to negotiate the border bill. Not going to happen," Romney said on X, formerly Twitter. "Is an open border more important to Dems than Ukraine and Israel?"

We certainly know what's more important to Romney.

We have to agree with ol' Profiles in Courage on one point: the Democrats are clueless.

Despite clear statements from every Republican that they have no intention of reaching a good-faith compromise on immigration, Democrats press on into the Valley of Legislative Death.  To get the aid needed by our ally, which any legislator with a shred of patriotism or concern for US national security should approve in a moment, Democrats are apparently willing to concede to

• turning away asylum seekers at the border with no remedy other than to wait in Mexico to suffer in danger and poverty
• requiring the detention of asylum seekers, including women and children, pending resolution of their claims
• making it harder for asylum seekers at the border, having walked thousands of miles with their babies on their backs, to meet some heightened threshold for relief of which they are totally unaware
• denying asylum to relief to those arriving via third countries that have not actively persecuted them (in other words, all of them)
• allowing refugees anywhere in the country to be swept into detention and deportation through expedited proceedings that provide little if any chance for the noncitizen to substantiate their claims (which of course has nothing to do with easing conditions at the border); and
• limiting the President's historic ability to parole in refugees fleeing war and persecution on a temporary basis or pending resolution of their asylum claims (which has helped reduce queuing at the border).

That's quite a list.  Republicans have pocketed them all and said they aren't good enough, while brave Ukrainians, soldier and citizen alike, die in their trenches and apartments due to lack of US weaponry and the callous indifference of subversive Republicans.

Now playing on the Rio Grande

As a result, Democrats have conceded that helping our allies in wartime is dependent upon cruel, useless changes to immigration law that will only increase the pressure on refugees to cross without inspection and vanish into the country with no chance to prove their claims.

In exchange for which, Democrats have gotten – nothing.  No aid.  No compromise.  And dead children on the banks of Rio Grande while the bent Republican Supreme Court weighs reinstating some sort of state nullification of federal law.

The previous generation of Republicans had no problem questioning the patriotism or toughness of Democrats who wouldn't sign a blank check for needless war and torture.  Why the Democrats can't return the favor and ask Republicans to choose between freedom and Putin in Ukraine remains obscure.

The problem that Democrats have is they, like Anne Frank, believe deep down that people are really good at heart.  That may be true for some people, but not Nazis and their spiritual descendants, Republicans.  

That belief didn't work out so great for Anne Frank.  It doesn't appear to be helping Democrats much either, as the bodies of toddlers continue to wash up on the Texas side of the Rio Grande.

Don't say he didn't tell you

By Political Editor David Bloviator

At least no one is claiming that the rise of white supremacist revanchism is due to economic anxiety anymore.

January 2025: All quiet on the Rio Grande

That's probably because their agenda could not be clearer.  They set it out for all to read and for their base to savor.

It seems like 10,000 outrages ago (which is part of the idea), but it's worth focusing on what White Power is promising if their champion the Tangerine-Faced Fascist is returned to power.  He's already promised to be a dictator on day one.  Here's what he'll do:

His top obsession will be the Justice Department, the FBI and the intelligence community — all of which he thinks conspired to investigate him, thwart him, screw him. He's been very clear that he's willing to unleash these agencies against political enemies.

Of course, he is not the first Republican to weaponize law enforcement against political enemies to subvert democracy.  Nixon famously sicced the IRS on hundreds of Vietnam War dissenters, ordered his personal burglary squad to break into the safe of Daniel Ellsberg's psychiatrist in search of dirt, and threatened to take away The Washington Post's then-valuable broadcast licenses unless they muzzled their staff. 

Quick learner and Republican hatchet man Karl Rove then upped the ante in 2006 by ordering the firing of US Attorneys for not bringing enough bogus voter fraud cases, and then escaped punishment by deleting millions of e-mails, which of course contained nothing incriminating.  By the way, our Wonderful Republican Allies of today didn't say boo back then.

This open commitment to subvert both the rule of law and democracy on day one would be an automatic disqualifier, but there's so much more in the Tangerine-Faced Leader's day one agenda.

Number two:

The next priority will be the Department of Homeland Security and the border, with plans to erect sprawling detention camps, "scour the country for unauthorized immigrants," and "deport people by the millions per year," The New York Times reports. We're told Trump's top criterion for immigration officials will be whoever promises to be most aggressive. Trump has told allies he's confident the Supreme Court will back his most draconian moves. 

I wonder why he thinks that?  

We saw children and families separated and locked in cages during the Tangerine-Faced Racist's first term, so there's no particular reason to think he'll go less hard this time.  If pliable and morally flexible mouthpieces like Ron “Take the Babies ” Rosenstein were easily persuaded to sign off on this enormity last time, who will oppose it this time?  

Just put the librarians into Schedule F

And the massive sweeps of undocumented noncitizens promised by Trump are but a recrudescence of the cruel dragnets and deportations that disappeared parents from their children (many of whom are U.S. citizens, not that that matters to anyone) which were authorized by Republican flying ace George W. Bush during his years of madness, again without pushback from our Wonderful Republican Allies.

But wait – there's more:

....a key tool for Trump's "revenge term" would be the use of Schedule F personnel powers to wipe out employment protections for tens of thousands of civil servants across the federal government. Trump allies want a deep and wide purge of the professional staff that often serves across new administrations.

Officials close to the Pentagon tell us they're worried about a plan...to "rigorously review all general and flag officer promotions to prioritize the core roles and responsibilities of the military over social engineering and non-defense related matters, including climate change, critical race theory [and] manufactured extremism." Indeed, the Trump allies see obstacles to remove at every level of every agency. 

The translation from the German is a little obscure.  What's really going on?  As you know, both the civil service and the armed forces are supposed to carry out the will of the political branches, subject to legal restrictions (imposed by statute or the Constitution).  It's that proviso that the Tangerine-Faced Tyrant is so desperate to get rid of.  If a civil servant or a member of the armed forces can be fired for trying to operate within the confines of applicable law, that law is meaningless and is supplanted by the whim of the dictator.

While the words “civil-service reform” are often used as a safe non-narcotic alternative to Ambien, the reinstallation of Schedule F will succeed in purging all integrity from the Government.  When the head of the National Institute of Health Bobby Kennedy Jr. replaces vaccines with horse dewormer, you'll see Schedule F in action.  Stay healthy, my friends.

But we've save the best for last.  In case anyone dares to question the triumph of the Tangerine-Faced Duce's will, he's got one more card to play:

The Insurrection Act in action!

Donald Trump has made clear that, in a second term, he would govern differently than any president in U.S. history. He has hinted at suspending the Constitution, building vast deportation camps, weaponizing the Department of Justice, and mass firing career civil servants.

Here’s one you might have missed: he reportedly plans to invoke the Insurrection Act, which allows the president to use the military as a domestic police force, on his first day in office.

Let's just say that Trump's views on insurrection have a great deal of, uh, validity.

But it's no joke:

The Insurrection Act’s central failing is that it grants virtually limitless discretion to the president. Its vague and archaic language...provides little meaningful guidance as to what situations do or not warrant deployment. One provision, for example, empowers the president to use the military or “any other means” to “take such measures as he considers necessary” to suppress any “unlawful combination[] or conspiracy” that “opposes or obstructs the execution of the laws of the United States or impedes the course of justice under those laws.” Read literally, this would permit the president to deploy the Marines to, say, arrest and detain two people suspected of conspiring to intimidate a witness in a federal trial.

Compounding the problem, the Supreme Court ruled in 1827 that the president alone decides whether invoking the Insurrection Act is justified; the courts may not review or second-guess that determination. As for Congress, if it disapproves of a president’s use of the act, its only recourse is to pass a law ending the deployment. The president would likely refuse to sign such a law, and Congress would then have to muster a two-thirds supermajority to override the president’s veto.  

 Not great.

Let's do a thought experiment.  On January 20, 2025, the Tangerine-Faced Dictator-for-a-Day declares that the United States is being invaded by noncitizens crossing at the southern border.  He orders the US Army and Marine Corps to take up positions along the Rio Grande and shoot to kill anyone seeking to cross.  Women and children included.

Or let's turn the clock ahead two years, when the TFD4D orders the military to seize voting machines to avoid a Republican midterm defeat.  He wanted to do that in 2020.

How could those decisions be challenged under the Insurrection Act?  If you're looking for a Republican bent Supreme Court to save you, well, as we say in Dixie, bless your heart.

“Maggie?  I'm privately opposed to ....”

What happens if military commanders think about disobeying the TFD4D's orders?  They have an obligation to refuse to carry out an unlawful order, but on what basis could they say the orders are unlawful?

The defects in the Insurrection Act could be readily remedied by new legislation.  Guess who's blocking it.

The Trump/Republican totalitarian agenda has already disappeared in the media without a trace, in favor of endless discussion about whether insurrectionists should or will be disqualified from running due to insurrection, as required by the Constitution.

The media has already returned to the usual horse-race nonsense, embellished with idiotic inside-dope reporting (which is nothing more than uncritically transmitting anonymous pro-Trump talking points and smears) by the leading Horse's Ass Whisperer, Maggie Haberman.

Ultimately the most shocking thing about this agenda is not that the presumptive Republican nominee has embraced it or that the White Power has made it public.  It is that a majority of white voters heard about it – and love it.  

Whether a majority of real voters in the right places to constitute an Electoral College win care enough to stop it remains to be seen.  What is clear, however, is that if they don't do so, they will not have the opportunity to do so again in their lifetimes.

A modest proposal: Let Harvard Professors talk and everyone else STFU!

 

100% totally original content by Yard Editor Larry Lowell with Finance Editor Samuel Insull

For Harvard these are the best of times and the worst of times. It's enough to try persons' souls. 

On the one hand, the Harvard Corporation remains a bastion of wealth, power, and privilege, sitting on an endowment well in excess of $50,000,000,000.  Yet at least if you believe what you read in the media, the great and the good of Harvard have never been more subjected to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, with only their $2,000-an-hour lawyers to protect them from the likes of Elsie Stefanik '06.

The University stands accused of taking sides, or not taking sides clearly enough, with respect to the Israel-Hamas War and the deeper problems of the endless bloody conflict between Israel and the Palestinians:

First school officials said nothing when a pro-Palestinian student group wrote an open letter saying that Israel was “entirely responsible” for the violence. Harvard followed up with a letter to the university community acknowledging “feelings of fear, sadness, anger, and more.” After an outcry, Harvard’s president, Claudine Gay, issued a more forceful statement condemning Hamas for “terrorist atrocities” while urging people to use words that “illuminate and not inflame.”

What's a President to do? Should she bear nobly those slings and arrows, or should she take arms against this Dead Sea of troubles?

It is a truth universally understood that a billionaire having made his pile deserves to be heeded and obeyed in all pronouncements.  Some (but by no means all) billionaire hedge fund finaglers have piled on the University and urged it to do – what exactly?

Don't worry; they'll tell you and then jabber about it to anyone who wants to hear it.  Or not:

If you hit 22 twice on the Wall Street roulette wheel and trouser $3.8 billion for your troubles, you too think you get to decide whose uneasy tuchus sits on the throne in Massachusetts Hall.

But muses let's not sing just of the anger of the finaglers of Wall Street sulking in their Fifth Avenue triplex tents.  Let's give a decent respect to the opinions of Harvard Professors, deserved or not:

Have you ever met a Harvard Professor who said they didn't know something?  You might sooner move the mist on the Malvern Hills.

But we don't want to keep you in suspense any longer.  How can Harvard Professors turn dark night into day and make their blazing chairs into torches that will light the way?

Just listen to Harvard Professors!

[Harvard] should foster an intellectual climate where dissenting viewpoints are better tolerated, the faculty members said, while describing two cases in which Harvard academics had faced backlash over their views on same-sex marriage and biological sex.

Hmmm. “Backlash?” What does that mean? Does it mean the offenders were tarred and feathered in front of University Hall?  Were their parking spaces were moved to Allston?

Or does it mean that members of the Harvard community who expressed bigotry, homo-, or transphobia were called out for their very bad views, as they should have been?

By the way, if members of the Harvard community express bigotry against Jews, Asians, Palestinians, or Muslims, how should the University handle that?  “Better toleration?”

Speaking of which, whatever happened to those tenured Harvard Professors who supported the idea that IQ was mostly inherited (based upon obviously forged data) and then used that fradulent data to justify racial and other forms of inequality and mistreatment?  Were they hounded out of their aeries in William James Hall? 

But it's not just two loudmouths with bruised feelings that represent Harvard's dark and stormy intellectual climate.  There's more:

Harvard should rein in its diversity, equity, and inclusion bureaucracy, which, they contend, launched with virtuous goals, but has since expanded to include influencing faculty hiring decisions and policing speech in ways that have damaged the academic enterprise.

Imagine thinking that decisions on faculty hiring should be made by any criteria other than who manages to best brown-nose the existing tenured faculty, or in the case of Henry “the Mad Bomber” Kissinger, the Dean of the Faculty. Next thing you know, Harvard will stop taking advice from academic worthies like Larry Summers, who explained away the lack of women in the economics and science departments on the grounds that the ladies weren't too good with math.

Even worse, imagine seeking to build a faculty reflective of diverse backgrounds and viewpoints. It's the thin end of the wedge!

It turns out that these the glittering prizes that are Harvard Professors are not necessarily representative of the full range of the faculty, some of whom contend that the whiners doth protest too much:

Critics of the council[the aforementioned gasbags], including Harvard professors, have questioned whose interests the group seeks to advance and what kinds of conduct it wishes to protect. After the council’s launch, the editorial board of the Harvard Crimson, the[sic] student newspaper, said that some of its members had faced “reasonable backlash” for, in one case, teaching an “unethical course on policing [that] completely disregarded racial concerns” and, in another, for serving as a defense attorney for Harvey Weinstein. 

Weinstein's Harvard Professor mouthpiece? We remember this tale of woe rather differently.  We remember a law professor named Ron Sullivan, who, like other Harvard legal giants up to and including Alan “Counselor Underpants” Dershowitz, trade on their expertise and Harvard credentials to pocket huge bucks for defending the rich and loathsome, was hired to defend the former chief of the Filmmakers Breast Inspection force (the FBI), Harvey Weinstein, better known today as Prisoner 1192234.

In addition to his sinecure at Harvard Law School, Sullivan then held another cushy no-heavy-lifting job as Master of Winthrop House, which involves living in a luxurious house on Memorial Drive and periodically talking to disgusting undergraduates, something no self-respecting member of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences would be caught dead doing.

When the students learned that he would be defending one of the most notorious and powerful sex criminals in America, presumably by smearing his victims and casting doubt on the severity of the harm they suffered, undergrads wondered whether they might be some tension between speaking up for the mad rapist of Soho and protecting undergrads from – sexual harassment and exploitation.

They asked whether Sullivan could cynically denigrate victims of sexual abuse on Monday for $1,500 an hour and then protect students from those deeds on Tuesday.  It was an entirely fair question.  And it had nothing to do with “free speech,” but extremely well-paid speech on behalf of a character unsavory enough to have been represented by Counselor Underpants himself.

Harvard after due consideration saw the obvious and irreconcilable tension between the two tasks and asked Sullivan to step down as Master of Winthrop House.  He remained (and remains) a tenured (and chaired) Professor at the Harvard Law School, free to express his views that the women whose careers and lives were ruined by Weinstein were asking for it.  Or not.

Here he is on Harvard's website today:

Speaking of Harvard Law Professors, during Harvard's current travail, Counselor Underpants himself whined that his free speech was threatened when the Harvard Crimson, one of many student publications, exercised its constitutional right not to publish some piece of crap he submitted.  It was the worst attack on free speech since Larry David snubbed him on the porch of The Chilmark Store.

We recount all this not to praise the whining Professors seeking to define what speech is and is not acceptable and then demand that the Corporation go out and enforce their views, but to bury them.

As we have said before, the whole Cancel Culture debate on campus is really about who gets to define what speech is free and who gets to say it.   Of course, President Gay foolishly relied on idiot lawyers in refusing to condemn genocide, but why should a weirdo like Steven Pinker get to determine what's OK to say?

Looking for Minerva's owl in Cambridge?  Don't bother.

Here's a little selection of Pinker's sound and fury.  He called murderous racist Bernard Goetz “mild-mannered.”  He joined Larry Summers' idiotic opinion, supra, that women aren't genetically cut out for adding and subtracting.   He denied falsely that Blacks were not disproportionate victims of police violence.  And of course he still entertains the data-free notion that intelligence is heritable.

No one suggests that Pinker be stripped of his epaulets for promoting such trash.  But why should such nonsense be immune from criticism?  Because a Harvard Professor says it?  Because any criticism would “damage the academic enterprise?”  We think that a decent respect for the opinions of mankind demands just the opposite: whenever a Harvard or other Professor spouts dumb s***, he should be called out for it.

And we can't help but notice that behind the ragtag band of mouthy billionaires and insufferable faculty lies a huge reactionary enterprise: to bring down not just Harvard, but the entire apparatus of liberal higher education.  That, plus racism, is behind the continuing pressure on the Corporation to make President Gay walk the plank for omitted quotation marks on page 297 of her Ph.D. thesis, found by bad-faith wreckers like Chris Rufo through use of modern language comparison software.

By the way, if you ran the theses of all tenured faculty, not just the Black women, through that machine, what would you find out?  

Harvard's notorious insufferable arrogance and air of indifference to the concerns of its community, like the undergraduates (whose careers are normally solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short), this one time is, as we say at the Porcellian Club, a mechiah.  Their stalwart refusal to listen to anyone ever remains the best guarantee that a liberal education will not vanish from the face of this Earth or at least Cambridge.

Meanwhile President Gay and the Corporation will continue to have to put up with pressure from faculty bloviators and Republican plug-uglies.  We hope they remember that while the owl of Minerva only spreads its wings at dusk, in this country, it's perpetually High Noon.

News from Zontar: What Won't Democrats Give Up for Military Aid?

Editors’ Note: Every so often the Spy Deep Space Desk gets a transmission from the mysterious planet of Zontar, located in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years from Earth. The planet is apparently populated by a race of intelligent alien life forms whose communications, while largely incomprehensible to those of us here, may shed some light, however dim and distant, on the thought patterns of these strange creatures. The most recent signal seemed especially bizarre to anyone living here on Earth, but in the spirit of cosmic understanding, we present it just as a reminder of the vastness of space and the multiplicity of life forms – [They get the drift – Ed.]

By Dan Balls
Zontarian Post Political Editor

Republicanz have made it clear that future military aid to the embattled Republic of Zukraine will be conditioned on the passage of a national abortion ban.  Much to the chagrin of certain far-left critics in his own party, President Joe Ziden has let it be known that he is willing to consider such a trade.

Zukraine needs US help to counter Ruzzian aggression

President Ziden's concern is said to be triggered by alarming report from Zukraine that without further USZ military assistance, the country will be unable to resist the continuing onslaught of the savage Ruzzian invaders under the leadership of their bloodthirsty dictator, President for Life Vladimir Zutin. 

For months, Republicans have insisted on a hard linkage between aid to Zukraine and a national abortion ban. “We can't talk about providing security assistance to Zukraine without protecting the security of those walking, talking, laughing unborn children that have been slaughtered by the millions since 1973,” argued House Speaker Bridget Zeigler (R – Florida).  “No three ways about it: if Ziden wants the aid, a nationwide abortion ban is the price.”

The abortion ban issue was raised by the overturning of Zoe v. Wade, the 1973 Zupreme Court decision which had protected a woman's right to terminate her pregnancy in the first two trimesters.  That decision was overruled by order of Zupreme Court overseer Bishop Leonard Zeo last year. 

Since Zeo's decision, many Zontarian states have banned the procedure, forcing women to endanger their lives by carrying non-viable fetuses to delivery.  Other states, including those whose inhabitants can read and write, continue to protect the right to an abortion.

In the benighted State of Zexas, a woman who had a life-threatening pregnancy that would have resulted in a dangerous birth of a fetus that would shortly die was forced by the Zexas Supreme Court to flee the state, on the grounds that her three trips to the emergency room and her doctor's judgment that she was in mortal peril did not qualify for an exemption from Zexas forced-birth laws because the woman was not actually bleeding to death during oral argument.

Against the backdrop of outrages like this, some have questioned President Ziden's apparent willingness to trade abortion rights for military aid.

“Our bodies are not bargaining chips to be traded away for doing something that should be done as a matter of the national interest of the UZA,” influential singer Zaylor Zwift told her 180 million Zinstagram followers.  “It's an outrage.”

From her Zalibu castle, legendary entertainer Zarbra Streizand was even emphatic, saying: “How dare these extremist Republicanz extort the gross violation of our rights as their price for aiding our ally in wartime.”

This may be what women resort to to end a pregnancy

In Washington, informed sources emphasize the need for a bipartisan compromise to permit the Zukraine aid package to move forward.  “We need to unite behind a common-sense abortion ban together with an aid package.  That's the Third Way we need, ” said retiring West Zirginia coal baron Joe Zanchin.

Sources close to Senate leadership say the talks are making slow progress.  Some of the sticking points include whether women who obtain an abortion after the ban can be charged with murder, in addition to the medical personnel who perform the procedure.

“We need to be thoughtful and deliberate in how we proceed,” said Senated Majority Leader Chuck Zchumer.  “There are a lot of moving parts here but I believe we are making progress.”

A leading centrist brokering the abortion-ban deal, Arizona Senator Krysten Zinema said all parties were proceeding in good faith and with a genuine desire to see a deal reached by January.

Send her back to her death?  Unthinkable!

But progressives and advocates for women's rights remain unconvinced.  “It is inconceivable to me that we would for one minute consider our bodies as a commodity to be traded away for military aid, ” Rep. Alexandia Ocazio-Cortez said in an MNBZ interview.

“I'm also concerned that once you start giving into Republicanz' extortion, where does it end?  What will they demand next year?  Taking away birth control?  Voting rights?  What's to stop Republicanz from doing something like demanding that we end asylum and lock up refugee babies in exchange for aid?”

“To the people who claim that we can compromise with extremist Republicanz, I would only ask, ‘What planet are you on, anyway?’”

 

 

Editors' Note: The Spy wishes its readers a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, if you'll forgive the plagiarism!

Does the President of Harvard really support genocide? Let's not find out!

By Yard Correspondent Larry Lowell with
Hebraic Affairs Editor A. Cahan

Think it's hard to get into Harvard?  Just look at this sample question from a recent admissions exam:

Don't worry if you flunked it – so did Harvard President and tenured Professor Claudine Gay.  

In fairness to her (and Harvard types always have a good excuse for bombing an exam), she was asked this question by a bad-faith Republican hack who spends her every waking hour advancing the political fortunes of a notoriously corrupt criminal who admires, dines with, and defends neo-Nazi Jew haters.  (We'll get back to Elsie Stefanik '06 later.)

Gay also made the fatal mistake of showing up for her lynching having been prepped by lawyers from one of the fanciest law firms on God's good earth, the result of a merger of Boston smarts with savvy Washington political instincts, now doing business under the ungainly name of WilmerHale.  (Even HaleWilmer sounds better, like a greeting that Templeton the rat would give to a Brooklin pig.)

According to the usually authoritative New York Times, Gay's ridiculous equivocation was done on the advice of those smart savvy WilmerHale attorneys:

Well, if you're going to go down in flames, might as well have WilmerHale as your wingperson, right?

Just ask them.  According to their website,

They understood the importance of Harvard's reputation with Congress?  They let poor Claudine Gay and two other college Presidents jump right off the cliff.

Gay would have been better off taking the advice of any $125-an-hour hungover criminal defense attorney hanging around Cambridge District Court, who would have told her: “Just tell the judge whatever the f*** she wants to hear and then let's get the f*** out of there and get a Jameson's.”

The resulting s***storm of fake outrage claimed the head of the President of Penn and threatened to bury Gay herself.

Jay Michelson of The Daily Beast explained how the calculated effort to discredit everybody the reactionary right doesn't like constituted yet another right-wing brew of hypocrisy and demagoguery.  Elsie Stefanik had begun her interrogation of the Presidents by asking whether they should condemn calls for intifada, claimed (wrongly) that intifada was synonymous with genocide, and then demanded a yes-or-no question to whether calls for genocide should be banned on campus.

The Presidents responded correctly that such calls, if intended as harassment or intimidation, would be banned but not if such statements appeared in footnote 214 of a scholarly work.  Such nuances are anathema to hacks like Stefanik, still fuming from her dismissal from the nothingburger job of member of the Harvard Institute of Politics Board of Advisers:

Elsie Stefanik isn't as nice as she seems

...this is the subtlety one would expect from a university president, and also what we would expect a would-be demagogue to exploit, which is exactly what Stefanik did.

What’s more, the same civil libertarians who are the darlings of Republicans when they defend conservatives in this case have defended [Penn President] Magill....

Of course, when it comes to conservative speech, Republicans like Stefanik are warriors against censorship of all kinds. In a 2021 interview, Stefanik complained of a “petition pressuring the dean of the Harvard Kennedy School to remove me from the bipartisan board of Harvard Institute of Politics,” due to her objecting to electors from four states in the 2020 election. “This is how cancel culture works,” she said.

But now Stefanik is practicing cancel culture on steroids. She and others are calling for Magill’s ouster—not for anything she personally said or did, but for merely stating that hateful antisemitic speech may or may not count as harassment, depending on the circumstances.

It’s cancel culture when it’s me, but not when it’s thee.

That's right, the same hacks, frauds, and Republican apologists whining about the lack of free speech on college campuses are now whining about – too much speech on campuses.

At any rate, Elsie, having been served the head of Penn's President on a platter courtesy of their Wharton School plutocratic alumni, was hungry for more:

 

 But a funny thing happened on the way to Elsie's auto-da-fé.  The Harvard Corporation, not accustomed to being told what to do by some wayward alum, said:

Translation from the Harvard (for those of you who don't speak it): Elsie, go f*** yourself.

The usual suspects, not worth quoting here, have had their usual fake conniptions about the idea that Harvard would not fire its President for fumbling the answer to one loaded question thrown at her by someone who opposes every value that Harvard allegedly holds dear.

The same frauds are trying to portray Harvard as a hell on Earth for Jews, somewhere between Germany 1938 and getting in front of Alan Dershowitz during a live TV interview.

Is it that bad in the Yard?  Here's one recent incident:

Wait until Elsie Stefanik hears about this.

We spoke to some actual Harvard undergraduates a few weeks ago.  The little grinders didn't seem to be quaking in fear, regardless of their ethnic background. 

The situation at Harvard is tense, explosive, and fraught with fear and peril, as captured on the cover of the December 7 Harvard Independent:

The number of stories on the Indy's homepage describing the hatred, fear, and anguish amongst the little overachievers due to anti-Semitic or other harassment: 0.0.

Is it barely possible that the cries about how Harvard does nothing whilst a wave of anti-Semitism sweeps down from Pforzheimer to the River is not based on the actual concerns of actual members of the Harvard community, but on bad-faith Republican reactionary efforts to call into question the entire project of a liberal education and replace it with government-run promotion of nonsense as practiced by Ron “I could use a lift or two” DeathSantis?

Unlike President Gay, we don't have $1,500 an hour mouthpieces telling us to be careful what we say.  We'll just say what she should have said when asked if genocide is bad.

We'll say yes.