Learn your kids the Florida way!

By Jenny Herk
Florida Correspondent

Striding boldly forward in his white platform go-go boots, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced revised standards for teaching American history in any remaining Florida public schools.  Among other gems, the standards require teaching that slavery was not all bad because it taught the slaves useful skills, like evading bloodhounds, crossing frozen rivers, and submitting meekly to white overseers to avoid being shot.  The standards also point out that such skills explain why Black people have been so successful as running backs in the NFL.

As usual, the liberal thought police has once again employed its most feared tactic – cancelling free speech:

The new pro-slavery lessons are just one aspect of Gov. DeSantis's attempt to rewrite American history into something that is at once less downbeat and supportive of the general Republican view that after 404 years, it's time for Black people to stop whining already.

The Spy has learned that DeSantis's Ministry of Truth has gone beyond setting standards for what can be taught the bright young minds of Florida in addition to how to outrun a charging alligator (run to the side because the beast tends to attack in a straight line).

We have in fact obtained partial galley proofs of the new American History textbook that all Florida schools must use beginning this September.  As you can see from the following excerpts, it's all good news.  Literally – in this textbook, nothing bad ever happened in the American past.

Chapter 1 – The Discovery of America 

America was discovered in 1620 by white Christians who landed by mistake [This part is true actually – Ed.] in “woke” Massachusetts where they were cold and persecuted. Before they arrived, America was an empty continent except for a few savages running around in feathers. They did not read or write. They did not pray to God like good Christians. They did not live in proper houses or drive pickup trucks. They survived without any of the comforts of civilization. They had no air-conditioning or flush toilets. There were no large well-stocked supermarkets where they could buy Doritos or Coca-cola. They did not use deodorant, skin lotion, or Botox. They ate everything with their fingers and not just the pudding.

The primitive Indians didn't even go to the beach

The first settlers gave Christianity and small-pox to these primitive savages. The Indians benefited greatly: Christianity saved their souls from eternal damnation, while small-pox allowed them to enter the Kingdom of Heaven much earlier than they might have anticipated. Some Indians showed gratitude and were allowed to have dinner with the Pilgrims once a year.  Others, stirred up by “woke” ideas like America belonged them, resorted to violence.  They were taught a sharp lesson by white Americans exercising their God-given Second Amendment rights even before there was a Second Amendment, proving that it was indeed God-given.

Later, Americans showed Christian charity and forgave the remaining Indians for the attacks by naming their sports teams, universities and deluxe ski resorts after Indians, Redskins, Seminoles, Braves, and Squaws.  

Let's skip ahead to 1776, shall we?

Chapter 2 – The Invention of Liberty

In 1776 America had decided they had had enough of British woke tyranny.  The great white men of America met in Philadelphia (which was not then the crime-ridden hellhole it is today under urban Democratic mayors) and wrote the Declaration of Independence.  This was a perfect document that said everything that needed to be said about liberty.  It made America a true Christian republic that guaranteed freedom to just about everybody as long as they realized they were living in a Christian republic.  It also outlawed abortion by guaranteeing the right to life.

Today woke liberals claim that the Founding Fathers' vision was flawed because they were all white men and many of them were slaveholders.  This is wrong.  They say this because they hate America and want to cut off your children's genitals. That is all you need to know about this topic.  You can go to the beach now.

But that's not the end of the story:

Chapter 4 – The Democrats' War

By 1861 the Democrats were so angry about the election of great Republican Abraham Lincoln that they seceded and started a war.  The ensuing war pitted Blue against Gray, brother against brother, North against South, and white men against other white men.  Both sides fought valiantly for their cause, whatever it was.  The South, under the leadership of Robert E. Lee, who looked splendid riding a horse, fought bravely against Northern invaders.  The Southern plantation owners joined by their loyal slaves worked hard to keep the South supplied with turnips and curtains until Sherman's marauders burned Atlanta.  

The war ended only after a hero who sneezed attacked the rebels and turned defeat into victory.  Despite winning every battle the South lost the war.

Then Lincoln freed the slaves (with the support of Robert E. Lee), which ended the problem of slavery in America for all time and therefore there is nothing further to be said about slavery that you need to know.

And now for the happy ending:

Chapter 12 – America Saves the World

Woke bus companies learned a sharp lesson

In 1941, America was attacked by Japan and Germany.  Although Hitler had many good ideas, declaring war on the greatest country that ever was or will ever be was not one of his best ones.  Thanks to brave white American men, we won the Second World War at D-Day and saved the world.  We also invented the atomic bomb with the assistance of clever Jews.  

After the war, America reached new heights. Millions of new homes were built for fine American families like the Cleavers.  They owned two cars and lived a comfortable life thanks to hardworking men.  Their wives stayed home in shirtwaist dresses, raised children, and cooked delicious meals, many of which involved Jello molds.  On Sunday they went to church in the morning and in the afternoon the men played golf with President Eisenhower.

Work is so boring, dear

The next President was John F. Kennedy.  He was a handsome war hero.  He beat the Russians in Cuba.  However, as part of the price we pay for our precious Second Amendment freedoms, he was shot and killed in 1963.  His Vice President, Lyndon B. Johnson, became President.  Although he was from Texas and wore a cowboy hat, he was a Socialist.  He imposed tyrannical measures like Medicare and food stamps on America.

While he was President, some black people were stirred up by agitators like Martin Luther King, Jr.  He said that men should not be judged by the color of their skin and therefore would have supported Justice Clarence Thomas.  Many of his followers ignored his message and demanded special privileges like going to white schools and swimming in white pools.

Fortunately the Civil Rights Act was enacted which banned discrimination by race and ended race as a problem in America for all time.  Since that time, any discussion of race has meant discrimination against white people because of the color of their skin.  Martin Luther King, Jr. also gave his life in defense of our sacred Second Amendment rights.

Suggestions for Further Reading

None.  We have told you all you need to know about American history.  Do not go to Disney World. Go to the beach instead and make white babies.

 

There's more but you get the drift: after a few years of reading stuff like this, Florida students will no longer have to worry about feeling sad because of things they learned.  Like Eve before she ate the apple.