Editors' Note: Since we last checked in with the Spy's master political prognosticator David Bloviator in February, lots has changed in the 2024 Presidential race, other than the identities of the two men who will receive their party's nomination. After months of deep reporting from his vantage point at the center of all political intelligence, the National Press Club bar, David [That's Mr. Bloviator to you – DB] is ready to share his peerless insights with you, the reader in search of enlightenment.
TMS: Good afternoon, Mr. Bloviator. Thank you for making time in your busy schedule for giving us an update on the status of the Presidential campaigns.
DB: Here's my update. My glass is empty. Why don't you do something about it?
TMS: Gladly. Double Chivas-rocks for Mr. Bloviator.
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| The great man updates the Republican field. |
DB: [inhales his drink] Ah, now I can share with you my brilliant insights on what's been happening in the race for the 2024 Republican Presidential nomination.
TMS: Which is?
DB: The big news is the collapse of Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, whose awkward style and lack of charisma have raised questions about whether he is really the Republican who can take on the heavy favorite, Donald Trump.
TMS: That's interesting. Is this the same Ron DeSantis you told us earlier this year whose political savvy and ability to raise money posed a formidable challenge to Trump? The same guy you said whose attacks on Walt Disney, college education, and gay schoolchildren would “supercharge” his campaign?
DB: Actually I didn't say that. That was Patricia Mazzei in The New York Times, one of the many wannabe pundits nipping at my heels. I would never say anything like that.
TMS: Didn't you write numerous columns predicting that DeSantis, backed by torrents of cash from rich donors, would sweep all before him with his crowd-pleasing advocacy of forced birth and the Russian conquest for Ukraine?
DB:
Well, what of it? Billy Kristol lied us into eleven years of war in Iraq and he still has a job.
TMS: No he doesn't. And didn't you also predict that any indictment of Donald Trump would destroy his campaign because Republican voters are so deeply committed to law and order?
DB: They are committed to law and order. Look at all the demands to lock up Hunter Biden.
TMS: Didn't it turn out that the more times Donald Trump is arraigned for serious felonies, the more the Republican base loves him?
DB: They believe that he is being persecuted by a weaponized out of control Biden prosecution force.
TMS: They may believe that, but it doesn't happen to be true, does it? There's no evidence that Biden has interfered in any way with Department of Justice decisions to prosecute or not, is there?
DB: It doesn't matter. It's what the voters believe to be true.
TMS: Doesn't the press have a responsibility to separate truth from fiction, and stop serving as transmission belts for dangerous lies?
DB: Our job is deep reporting and your job is to fill this glass.
TMS: Another double-Chivas rocks for our thirsty pundit. But seriously what accounts for the devotion the Trump base has shown to their candidate despite the 37 criminal charges preferred against him, with more imminent?
DB: The Trump base believes that coastal elites are out to destroy their champion. And don't forget economic anxiety.
TMS: What economic anxiety? Growth is good and unemployment is at a 40 year low.
DB: But what about crushing inflation? Eggs are eight dollars a dozen.
TMS: No they aren't.
DB: How much are they then?
TMS: We'll get an intern to check. [Louise, find out how much a f***ing dozen eggs cost, stat. – Ed.][I found this – L.M.]
DB: Dammit, if liberals tried to reach out more to Trump supporters, maybe they wouldn't be so upset about the soaring price of eggs.
TMS: Can Ron DeSantis turn his campaign around?
DB: He needs to draw a sharp contrast to Trump, while appealing to the Republican base that loves Trump more than life itself.
TMS: That seems like a tall order.
DB: Which is why I'm hearing a lot of whispers about Tim Scott, who appeals to the Republican base with his embrace of Christian doctrine like being against abortion.
TMS: Where in Christian Scripture did Jesus say he was against abortion?DB: Dammit man, how should I know? Go ask a priest. Or Jerry Falwell.
TMS: Let's move to other developments in the Presidential election. Could there be a third party candidate who could draw votes away from Joe Biden?
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| Ron DeSantis, firing up Republicans at an Iowa rally |
DB: Yes, I'm hearing a lot about a candidate who can unify Americans turned off by the extreme views of the two leading candidates.
TMS: What are Biden's extreme views that voters don't like?
DB: He has been captured by the progressive left. Many are saying that he is a puppet of Kamala Harris.
TMS: Who's saying that besides Republican spin doctors trying to demonize Biden and Harris?
DB: They are many in number, and I can assure you they are acute observers of the passing scene. For example, they always notice when my glass is empty.
TMS: Another Chivas-rocks for the great man. Doesn't the polling show that a third party candidate would siphon votes from Biden and ensure Trump's election?
DB: The Harvard poll I received from Mark Penn says that 58% of voters would consider a third party candidate who agreed with them on every issue.
TMS: Shouldn't we be skeptical of a poll run by a guy whose wife runs the No Labels third party effort?
DB: Are you accusing a graduate of Harvard College from making s*** up?
TMS:
Speaking of Harvard grads making s*** up, what effect do you believe that heroin-crazed anti-vax hatemonger Bobby Kennedy will have on the Presidential race?
DB: Kennedy speaks to the alienation many Democrats feel from their party's leaders like Joe Biden.
TMS: What accounts for that supposed alienation?
DB: Don't forget: Biden is old. He's 80.
TMS: And Bobby Kennedy is a sprightly 69.
DB: He articulates the suspicions many have about the way government handled COVID.
TMS: That makes sense. Hundreds of thousands died unnecessarily because the Trump Administration denied the seriousness of the pandemic and didn't take strong enough measures to stop COVID's spread.
DB: No, that's not what he means. He's referring to the vaccine and lockdowns.
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| What's wrong with legacy admissions? |
TMS:
So the stuff that worked? What a moron!
DB: How dare you call him a moron. He graduated from Harvard College.
TMS: So did Mark Penn. And he's nothing but a greedy opportunistic grifter funded by hard right dark money. Anyway why do you care about where he went to college?
DB: Many of the greatest minds of my generation went to college in the Boston area, if I may say.
TMS: Wait – did you go to Harvard?
DB: I was the eighth generation of Bloviators to attend the college.
TMS: So you got in because you're a legacy? Isn't that just a perpetuation of white privilege?
DB: Of course not.
TMS: Why not?
DB: You wouldn't understand.
TMS: Why not?
DB: Let's just say that in the Yard there was a saying: It wouldn't be Harvard without Bloviators.
TMS: Let's close out my tab. Thank you, Mr. Bloviator.
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