The Supreme Court: they're not judges, so why waste a courthouse on them?

By Bill Zeckendorf
Real Estate Correspondent

Last week we recounted how the United States Supreme Court had decided it no longer had to act like a court, and instead had reinvented itself as a kind of House of Lords on, like Bobby Kennedy, Jr., steroids.  Like the British version, many of them are known to drink excessively.  Unlike those lords though, ours have the power to chuck out any law or regulation enacted by the democratically elected branches that they find not amusing.

Their unceasing assault on democracy and law itself have led to a number of possible fixes, such as unpacking the Court with new justices, enforcing term limits, and even limiting their legal to decide cases.  All of these ideas are reasonable, but all have failed because basically Democrats are too timid to pursue them.

We propose a much more modest solution.  Currently the Supreme Court does its dirty business from an imposing marble palace on Capitol Hill built in the depths of the Depression.  It was intended to embody in stone the majesty of justice under law.

Now that they have chucked out that justice under law ragtime, why do they need a courthouse?  A little known fact is that their Courthouse belongs not to them, but to us.  They are tenants.  Like poor powerless tenants, they can be chucked out into the street at any time at the whim of their landlord; in this case, us.

For the first 150 years of the Republic, though, these clowns got by without their own courthouse.  They heard argument in the Capitol.  Otherwise, the boys worked at home, where in many cases their Black slaves were able to provide spirituous refreshment and other services while they composed classics like Dred Scott.  

We propose repurposing their unneeded courthouse and transforming it into something useful, if not inspiring. Our idea would be to turn the palace into a conveniently-located day care center for the thousands of underpaid drones buzzing around the Capitol complex. There would likely be enough space left over to house the Marshall-Ginsburg Center for the Study of Civil Rights, returning at long last something resembling justice to a building that hasn't seen any for years now.

However, mostly out of sympathy for long-suffering spouses like Mesdames Roberts and Kavanaugh, we would not leave the Court without a home.

Fortunately, the Government's real estate arm, the General Services Administration, maintains a vast portfolio of real estate much of which could be repurposed to serve the needs of a Supreme Court of Revision.  What do they need except some offices and a big room to hear arguments?  Basically any office space will do.

Like the super-helpful problem solvers we are, we've found a number of attractive options, any of which would be more than suitable for the Supreme Court, and many of which would allow them to focus on their work without the distractions of a bustling downtown crawling with plutocrats and collectors of Hitler memorabilia.

Let's check out some of GSA's choice office inventory.

Bolling AFB, Southeast DC

See how close it is to the Capitol!

If you think that there is some symbolic reason to provide a DC address for the Court, there's a lot of Federal property on the far side of the Anacostia River that is located in the District.  For example, there's an Air Force base down there that has everything an Air Force base requires, except for planes and runways.

Surely there's space at Bolling AFB that could be repurposed to house the Supreme Court.  And the site boasts riverfront views and plenty of free parking.  Arguably it's less convenient to the ritzy clubs and restaurants of K Street, but we're sure the Justices would be welcomed in the Officers' Club.

Talk about location: it's right on the water, so the younger Justices can enjoy kayaking and paddleboarding on the Potomac, while the older ones can bask in the sun and dream about leaving their public hairs on the soda cans of particularly comely clerks and staff.  It's a short hop to National Airport, where the Justices' private empty-seat air force of Gulfstream jets stands ready to whisk them away to the vacation of their dreams with their dear friends, all of whom are remarkably enough rich reactionary white men eager to push their plutocratic Christian dominionist agenda.

Haynesworth Courthouse, Greenville SC

We were so moved by Clarence Thomas's story of how he rose from poverty and obscurity in rural South Carolina to the Supreme Court solely by virtue of his brilliance, hard work, and rigorous self-control without benefiting in any way from that nasty unconstitutional affirmative action stuff Clarence chucked out last month that we thought it would be a nice gesture to let him return home to South Carolina in triumph.

Perfect for Brett!

It would also let him spend more time with his mother in the house that Hitler tchachke collector Harlan Crow bought for her.

According to the GSA, there's plenty of empty space in this courthouse, and it already has a courtroom.  And Greenville (unofficial motto: “The town that's not too busy to hate”) has many attractions that should appeal at least to the six Republican hacks who run the Court.  Actually the official motto is “America's Friendliest City,” which should appeal to outgoing party guys like Brett “He just wanted to say hello” Kavanaugh.

By the way, who was that Clement Haynsworth fella whose name graces the future home of the Supreme Court?

Funny story:

Nearly a century after a former Confederate took the bench, Republican candidate Richard Nixon ran for president using a “Southern strategy,” as well as an emphasis on law-and-order politics, to woo white southern Democrats who were upset with Lyndon B. Johnson’s support for civil rights legislation. After winning the presidency in 1968, Nixon nominated two men for the Supreme Court who each had a history of supporting segregation.... The first one, Clement Haynsworth Jr., had supported a decision by Prince Edward County, Virginia—the county in which one of the five class-action suits incorporated into Brown v. Board of Education was filed—to close schools rather than integrate them.

Sounds like a man after John Roberts's stone cold no-racism-here heart.  And a perfect home for this bent Supreme Court.

Kodiak Island, Alaska

The liberal minority on the Court might complain that this former Naval facility on Kodiak Island, Alaska is a little distant from their favorite soy-latte haunts in Washington, but really, who cares what they think?  Not their six corrupt Republican colleagues.

The great advantage to this facility, located on ruggedly handsome Kodiak Island, Alaska, is its proximity to the vacation haunts favored by Sullen Sam Alito and his like-minded brethren.  You'll recall it was Alito who selflessly occupied an otherwise-empty seat on some plutocrat's private jet for a week long fishing getaway in Alaska, accompanied by gourmet meals and wine that certainly did not cost $1,500 a bottle, according to distinguished oenophile Sam Alito.

If the Court were moved to this simple yet adequate outpost, Sam wouldn't have to be embarrassed by private jet travel. Instead, he could be conveyed to the fishing lodge on Harlan Crow's hundred-foot yacht accompanied by his good friend Leonard “Moneybags” Leo and his constellation of goons who installed the last three bent white justices on the court. 

Further Kodiak Island would approximate John Roberts's ideal of an America that never has to grapple with the issues of race, because there are only about 140 Black people on the island. 

As this brief survey of available federal property has demonstrated, there is a range of desirable sites for the new home of the Supreme Court from which they could pursue their destruction of the rule of law in peace and quiet.  

Although these sites may be less luxurious than their current abode, keep in mind that having a roof over their heads puts them ahead of hundreds of thousands of desperate Americans who lack that simple comfort due to the continued efforts of the soulmates and owners of the six Republican Justices.

Of course, if they would prefer to remain in their marble courthouse on Capitol Hill, all they would have to do is behave like judges and limit themselves to deciding actual controversies by applying the law rather than their personal political preferences, which is what judges are supposed to do.